My go-to verse for this stage in our life is Matthew 6:34 - "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." And boy did I have to repeat and repeat this verse to myself!!!
So on January 3rd, I went in to the doctor for my 12 week OB/GYN checkup. Kevin was away in Julian, San Diego with a friend camping, so I was going to this one alone. I had no clue or inclination what was coming, so it was a total shock to me (as I'm sure it is to so many other women) when the doctor told me he couldn't find the heartbeat and that our baby had not made it. Before the doctor had looked for the heartbeat, he did a normal physical exam and confirmed a lump I had been feeling in my breast. You should also know that I carry a breast cancer gene called BRCA1 that runs in my mom's side of the family. This gene gives me an 80% chance of breast cancer and a 44% chance of ovarian cancer. Therefore, I (nor the doctors) took this small lump lightly. So along with losing our baby, I faced some uncertainties with my health as well. For those of you who know me well, you know I am a "go with the flow" type of person and that I try to take things one thing at a time. This was not one of those days! I felt completely overwhelmed and so confused about why this was all happening. You never expect for something this tragic to happen to you.
Over the next few weeks, Kevin and I learned so much about each other and about God. We were able to trust in Him like we never had before, we were able to grow in our relationships with Him in ways we would never have been able to without this happening. Ultimately, we don't know God's plans, as much as we would like to. It was all in His plan for His glory, and I am so thankful for this experience, as hard as it was and still is. It's crazy to watch how much our miscarriage changed us and our perspectives on life. We both have always loved and adored kids, but I feel like we have found a new level of that. Our desire to be parents has grown tremendously and I know we will appreciate the next pregnancy so much more.
After I had fully healed physically from the miscarriage (which I have come to find out is not easy by any means!), my breast doctor began to schedule me for ultrasounds, biopsies, an MRI (which is a whole other story! Such a traumatic experience for me!), and finally the lumpectomy surgery, which was last Wednesday. All the waiting and guessing was not easy for me. I struggled to remain content knowing that we could be trying to get pregnant again, but weren't because we had to wait for all of the lump stuff to clear. Having the lumpectomy done was definitely a breath of relief for us! The Friday of the same week, my doctor called me to inform me that the lump was cancer-free! Just a mass of tissue that for some reason had developed at the worst possible time! So now we are home-free! This month is an exciting time for us as we can finally move on and continue trying to start our family!
This baby that was only with us for 12 weeks radically changed our lives, and he/she will always be in our hearts and memories. This baby will always be our first child. From talking and hearing stories from other women who have gone through similar experiences, I found out that it is a common part of the healing process to choose a special symbol that represents the baby. A few weeks after the miscarriage, I was out on my first run post-preggo thinking about everything, when I passed a field by our house that caught my eye. As I slowed to a stop, I saw a single, wild sunflower growing tall in this otherwise normal field. That's when it clicked. Sunflowers have always been one of my favorites and it was just perfect how this one sunflower was growing in this field that I pass every day. Thus, our baby's symbol!
Thank you to all of our family and friends that stood beside us during this tough time and who cared and loved us so deeply. I don't know how people get through things like this without God or a circle of loved ones. We cannot express how much your emails, texts, calls, and conversations meant to us!
