Wow.. life really is a journey, isn't it? With so many twists and turns and unexpected roadblocks. I haven't blogged in a while and have been meaning to, so I thought I better get started.
To start with, we lost our second precious baby on March 16th. I was 7 weeks pregnant on the dot and began to experience the natural signs of miscarrying. Kev and I spent all day at Urgent Care where they gave me an exam, drew blood, performed an ultrasound, and ultimately told me nothing. The doctor wasn't sure if I had miscarried for certain or not, so I was forced to wait two more weeks until my scheduled appointment with my OB/GYN. At that appointment (I was supposed to be just shy of 9 weeks pregnant at that point), my doctor confirmed the miscarriage, which I was already 99.9% sure of.
The time between our first miscarriage (January 3rd, 2012) and our second (March 16th, 2013) was such a long, hard journey that I felt certain we would have a healthy baby this time. I didn't think I could handle losing another baby. I didn't think I had the strength to make it through again. Well, all I can say is that God gave me the strength. He gives and He takes away. That's all that kept running through my mind and still does. I don't deserve anything, no matter how much I want a baby right now, I don't deserve anything more than anyone else. And I am okay with that knowledge. God will bless us with a baby in His good timing according to His will. We just need to trust in Him and cling to our faith. I'm not going to lie, this whole trusting God thing through miscarriages, heartache, Kev's chronic pain, depression, and everything else is not easy at all, but who ever said it was?
My joy in finding out I was pregnant again was great, but it was also dimmed by the fear in the back of my mind. I don't think anyone can go through a miscarriage and not feel fearful the next time around. There are a few reasons I feel thankful with this miscarriage. One reason is that it happened naturally and no further action was needed. I didn't need a D&C this time, which made the healing process so much easier. Second, even though my pregnancy was shorter than the first, I was still able to feel pregnant and enjoy the miracle of it. I never got to see my baby in ultrasound, but I was definitely able to feel the life inside me. For that small joy, I am deeply grateful.
A few weeks ago, we discovered that Kevin also carries the BRCA1 gene (breast cancer gene). For men, the prognosis for future cancer is much smaller, but for our children it means a 75% chance of carrying the gene versus 50% with one carrier parent. Since we both carry the same gene, our children will have the 75% chance of carrying it. If the child receives both of our genes, the result will be death in the first few weeks of life (hence a possible reason for the miscarriages). My geneticist believes my miscarriage rate is only 5% higher than the normal 20%, but my ovarian doctor believes it to be much higher. Luckily, I believe in a God who is above all of these percentages and opinions. Kev and I must cling to God's sovereignty and the knowledge that His plan is better than ours.
At my bi-annual check-up with my ovarian doctor a few weeks ago, he talked to Kev and I about the miscarriages and proceeded to refer us to a specialist who will talk to us about our next options and hopefully keep a closer eye on me the next time I am pregnant. That appointment is in June, so we will see what transpires with that.
An update on Kevin's knees: He had seen a holistic specialist about a month or two ago who seems to think he is allergic to wheat, gluten, sugar, and dairy. We decided to give it a chance, so we switched our food over to whole and organic options. With this change, we both feel healthier and Kev's knees are actually beginning to feel better. Since he does go through waves periodically of feeling better, we are just waiting to see if this is the real deal or not. He has also been seeing a different physical therapist who is really helping Kev strengthen his leg muscles, which also seems to be helping a great deal. Please keep Kevin's continued healing in your prayers.
My hope is that this entry gave you a better glimpse into our lives as well as some comfort in your own times of fear, doubt, distress, or grief. God is the ultimate Healer, whether it is from an inner or outward perspective. Just place your trust in Him and you will find joy in even the most difficult of times. Here are some verses that a special couple encouraged us with a few months ago who had recently went through difficult times of their own:
"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:25-26
"If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, 'My foot slips,' your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul." Psalms 94:17-19 (These verses especially encouraged me and rang true for my grief)
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
A Day in Our Shoes..
Wow, I didn't realize how long it has been since my last post! Well, life sure has gotten busy this past year. I became a third grade teacher, started school back up, and Kevin has been going through some pretty significant changes himself. I really just need to vent and get some of these things out in the open. I am going to be very vulnerable and open, so if you feel like I am offending you, I'm sorry, but I need to write this down. I wanted to write this post because I don't think very many people understand what Kev is really going through. I feel like most people look at us like, well it could be worse. I don't want to sound mean or judgmental, but for us, this is pretty bad and hard. I have watched Kevin change in good ways and hard ways over the past ten months. Anyone who has to deal with 24 hour, 7 days a week intense pain would understand.
Here is the back story to refresh your memories.. About ten months ago, Kevin was beginning to feel better than he had since his back issues (a whole other story). He was walking, exercising, feeling hopeful again. Then, his knees began to hurt out of nowhere. At first, his doctor treated him for Bersitis, a common knee inflammation problem. After several xrays, blood tests, MRI's, and treatments, his doctor told him he did not know what was wrong with his knees and sent him to another specialist. Since then, he has seen knee doctors, brain doctors, physical therapists, counselors, chiropractors, acupuncturists, holistic doctors, and the list goes on. He has tried countless types of pain meds, depression meds, natural meds, etc. Not one of those doctors can pinpoint what is wrong with his knees. They all figuratively throw up their hands and give up on him, passing him on to the next doctor who doesn't care.
It has been so extremely difficult to watch my husband go from a happy-go-lucky guy to someone who has had to say goodbye to his passions (outdoors, hiking, fishing, etc.). He has been suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts, and questioning God's purpose in all of this. Yes, he still has moments where I can see his goofy personality coming out again, but then the pain in his knees brings him back down. It's like an ugly, vicious cycle that never ends. Just when he thinks his knees are getting better, they get worse again. Most of the time, I have no idea what to do or how to handle all of this. I know I need to be strong and positive for him, but it is getting more and more difficult to do.
I am not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for us. That is the last thing we need. I just need to get this out. I really feel like people need to hear this. I feel like we fake smiles way too much. And I know everyone has their own set of problems and is dealing with their own horrible life events, so please be open and vulnerable in return. Life is hard sometimes, and it is so easy to drown in your problems. That's how I feel right now, like I'm in this giant, dark lake, barely able to keep my head above water. That sounds hopeless and pathetic, and I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for. It's just getting harder to watch my husband go through something this crazy. Why is God doing this? Why can't we find one doctor who actually cares enough to help us? You always hear about these unexplained medical mysteries on TV, but you never think it will happen to you. Well, Kevin is a medical mystery. Even the last doctor he was seeing said he is in the "other/unexplained" category. How hopeless is that? I mean, he is only 25! Where did this come from?
I don't want this whole blog entry to sound pathetic and hopeless. We have so many things to be thankful for. Our amazing family, our supportive and encouraging friends, the Jeep Kev was able to buy to help bridge the gap between him and the mountains, our silly pets that make us laugh all the time, our jobs that provide just enough for us, the future prospect of children (hopefully that one is the NEAR future!), and a God that continues to love and forgive us even when we question and doubt Him.
I hope this post sheds a little more light of what our life is like right now. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I was just trying to be real and vulnerable, something that is hard for me in person. If you have any questions or want to share this with anyone, please feel free to do so. Maybe there is someone out there going through something similar. Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Here is the back story to refresh your memories.. About ten months ago, Kevin was beginning to feel better than he had since his back issues (a whole other story). He was walking, exercising, feeling hopeful again. Then, his knees began to hurt out of nowhere. At first, his doctor treated him for Bersitis, a common knee inflammation problem. After several xrays, blood tests, MRI's, and treatments, his doctor told him he did not know what was wrong with his knees and sent him to another specialist. Since then, he has seen knee doctors, brain doctors, physical therapists, counselors, chiropractors, acupuncturists, holistic doctors, and the list goes on. He has tried countless types of pain meds, depression meds, natural meds, etc. Not one of those doctors can pinpoint what is wrong with his knees. They all figuratively throw up their hands and give up on him, passing him on to the next doctor who doesn't care.
It has been so extremely difficult to watch my husband go from a happy-go-lucky guy to someone who has had to say goodbye to his passions (outdoors, hiking, fishing, etc.). He has been suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts, and questioning God's purpose in all of this. Yes, he still has moments where I can see his goofy personality coming out again, but then the pain in his knees brings him back down. It's like an ugly, vicious cycle that never ends. Just when he thinks his knees are getting better, they get worse again. Most of the time, I have no idea what to do or how to handle all of this. I know I need to be strong and positive for him, but it is getting more and more difficult to do.
I am not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for us. That is the last thing we need. I just need to get this out. I really feel like people need to hear this. I feel like we fake smiles way too much. And I know everyone has their own set of problems and is dealing with their own horrible life events, so please be open and vulnerable in return. Life is hard sometimes, and it is so easy to drown in your problems. That's how I feel right now, like I'm in this giant, dark lake, barely able to keep my head above water. That sounds hopeless and pathetic, and I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for. It's just getting harder to watch my husband go through something this crazy. Why is God doing this? Why can't we find one doctor who actually cares enough to help us? You always hear about these unexplained medical mysteries on TV, but you never think it will happen to you. Well, Kevin is a medical mystery. Even the last doctor he was seeing said he is in the "other/unexplained" category. How hopeless is that? I mean, he is only 25! Where did this come from?
I don't want this whole blog entry to sound pathetic and hopeless. We have so many things to be thankful for. Our amazing family, our supportive and encouraging friends, the Jeep Kev was able to buy to help bridge the gap between him and the mountains, our silly pets that make us laugh all the time, our jobs that provide just enough for us, the future prospect of children (hopefully that one is the NEAR future!), and a God that continues to love and forgive us even when we question and doubt Him.
I hope this post sheds a little more light of what our life is like right now. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I was just trying to be real and vulnerable, something that is hard for me in person. If you have any questions or want to share this with anyone, please feel free to do so. Maybe there is someone out there going through something similar. Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)