Wow, I didn't realize how long it has been since my last post! Well, life sure has gotten busy this past year. I became a third grade teacher, started school back up, and Kevin has been going through some pretty significant changes himself. I really just need to vent and get some of these things out in the open. I am going to be very vulnerable and open, so if you feel like I am offending you, I'm sorry, but I need to write this down. I wanted to write this post because I don't think very many people understand what Kev is really going through. I feel like most people look at us like, well it could be worse. I don't want to sound mean or judgmental, but for us, this is pretty bad and hard. I have watched Kevin change in good ways and hard ways over the past ten months. Anyone who has to deal with 24 hour, 7 days a week intense pain would understand.
Here is the back story to refresh your memories.. About ten months ago, Kevin was beginning to feel better than he had since his back issues (a whole other story). He was walking, exercising, feeling hopeful again. Then, his knees began to hurt out of nowhere. At first, his doctor treated him for Bersitis, a common knee inflammation problem. After several xrays, blood tests, MRI's, and treatments, his doctor told him he did not know what was wrong with his knees and sent him to another specialist. Since then, he has seen knee doctors, brain doctors, physical therapists, counselors, chiropractors, acupuncturists, holistic doctors, and the list goes on. He has tried countless types of pain meds, depression meds, natural meds, etc. Not one of those doctors can pinpoint what is wrong with his knees. They all figuratively throw up their hands and give up on him, passing him on to the next doctor who doesn't care.
It has been so extremely difficult to watch my husband go from a happy-go-lucky guy to someone who has had to say goodbye to his passions (outdoors, hiking, fishing, etc.). He has been suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts, and questioning God's purpose in all of this. Yes, he still has moments where I can see his goofy personality coming out again, but then the pain in his knees brings him back down. It's like an ugly, vicious cycle that never ends. Just when he thinks his knees are getting better, they get worse again. Most of the time, I have no idea what to do or how to handle all of this. I know I need to be strong and positive for him, but it is getting more and more difficult to do.
I am not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for us. That is the last thing we need. I just need to get this out. I really feel like people need to hear this. I feel like we fake smiles way too much. And I know everyone has their own set of problems and is dealing with their own horrible life events, so please be open and vulnerable in return. Life is hard sometimes, and it is so easy to drown in your problems. That's how I feel right now, like I'm in this giant, dark lake, barely able to keep my head above water. That sounds hopeless and pathetic, and I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for. It's just getting harder to watch my husband go through something this crazy. Why is God doing this? Why can't we find one doctor who actually cares enough to help us? You always hear about these unexplained medical mysteries on TV, but you never think it will happen to you. Well, Kevin is a medical mystery. Even the last doctor he was seeing said he is in the "other/unexplained" category. How hopeless is that? I mean, he is only 25! Where did this come from?
I don't want this whole blog entry to sound pathetic and hopeless. We have so many things to be thankful for. Our amazing family, our supportive and encouraging friends, the Jeep Kev was able to buy to help bridge the gap between him and the mountains, our silly pets that make us laugh all the time, our jobs that provide just enough for us, the future prospect of children (hopefully that one is the NEAR future!), and a God that continues to love and forgive us even when we question and doubt Him.
I hope this post sheds a little more light of what our life is like right now. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I was just trying to be real and vulnerable, something that is hard for me in person. If you have any questions or want to share this with anyone, please feel free to do so. Maybe there is someone out there going through something similar. Thanks for reading my ramblings.
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