Wow.. life really is a journey, isn't it? With so many twists and turns and unexpected roadblocks. I haven't blogged in a while and have been meaning to, so I thought I better get started.
To start with, we lost our second precious baby on March 16th. I was 7 weeks pregnant on the dot and began to experience the natural signs of miscarrying. Kev and I spent all day at Urgent Care where they gave me an exam, drew blood, performed an ultrasound, and ultimately told me nothing. The doctor wasn't sure if I had miscarried for certain or not, so I was forced to wait two more weeks until my scheduled appointment with my OB/GYN. At that appointment (I was supposed to be just shy of 9 weeks pregnant at that point), my doctor confirmed the miscarriage, which I was already 99.9% sure of.
The time between our first miscarriage (January 3rd, 2012) and our second (March 16th, 2013) was such a long, hard journey that I felt certain we would have a healthy baby this time. I didn't think I could handle losing another baby. I didn't think I had the strength to make it through again. Well, all I can say is that God gave me the strength. He gives and He takes away. That's all that kept running through my mind and still does. I don't deserve anything, no matter how much I want a baby right now, I don't deserve anything more than anyone else. And I am okay with that knowledge. God will bless us with a baby in His good timing according to His will. We just need to trust in Him and cling to our faith. I'm not going to lie, this whole trusting God thing through miscarriages, heartache, Kev's chronic pain, depression, and everything else is not easy at all, but who ever said it was?
My joy in finding out I was pregnant again was great, but it was also dimmed by the fear in the back of my mind. I don't think anyone can go through a miscarriage and not feel fearful the next time around. There are a few reasons I feel thankful with this miscarriage. One reason is that it happened naturally and no further action was needed. I didn't need a D&C this time, which made the healing process so much easier. Second, even though my pregnancy was shorter than the first, I was still able to feel pregnant and enjoy the miracle of it. I never got to see my baby in ultrasound, but I was definitely able to feel the life inside me. For that small joy, I am deeply grateful.
A few weeks ago, we discovered that Kevin also carries the BRCA1 gene (breast cancer gene). For men, the prognosis for future cancer is much smaller, but for our children it means a 75% chance of carrying the gene versus 50% with one carrier parent. Since we both carry the same gene, our children will have the 75% chance of carrying it. If the child receives both of our genes, the result will be death in the first few weeks of life (hence a possible reason for the miscarriages). My geneticist believes my miscarriage rate is only 5% higher than the normal 20%, but my ovarian doctor believes it to be much higher. Luckily, I believe in a God who is above all of these percentages and opinions. Kev and I must cling to God's sovereignty and the knowledge that His plan is better than ours.
At my bi-annual check-up with my ovarian doctor a few weeks ago, he talked to Kev and I about the miscarriages and proceeded to refer us to a specialist who will talk to us about our next options and hopefully keep a closer eye on me the next time I am pregnant. That appointment is in June, so we will see what transpires with that.
An update on Kevin's knees: He had seen a holistic specialist about a month or two ago who seems to think he is allergic to wheat, gluten, sugar, and dairy. We decided to give it a chance, so we switched our food over to whole and organic options. With this change, we both feel healthier and Kev's knees are actually beginning to feel better. Since he does go through waves periodically of feeling better, we are just waiting to see if this is the real deal or not. He has also been seeing a different physical therapist who is really helping Kev strengthen his leg muscles, which also seems to be helping a great deal. Please keep Kevin's continued healing in your prayers.
My hope is that this entry gave you a better glimpse into our lives as well as some comfort in your own times of fear, doubt, distress, or grief. God is the ultimate Healer, whether it is from an inner or outward perspective. Just place your trust in Him and you will find joy in even the most difficult of times. Here are some verses that a special couple encouraged us with a few months ago who had recently went through difficult times of their own:
"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalms 73:25-26
"If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, 'My foot slips,' your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul." Psalms 94:17-19 (These verses especially encouraged me and rang true for my grief)
I have been praying for you and your precious child. I am so sorry you lost the second one two months ago. A little note of encouragement -- don't worry about statistics. My Dad once said to me that God is the Creator, not doctors when I told him I didn't think I could have children. So, after 6 years of infertility and failed attempts with three embryos, I have one baby. I know you can minister to others through your grief and experiences in a way that those of us who haven't experience this type of loss cannot. I will pray that God will make all things new and comfort you, to show you how to comfort other women and couples who will experience this in the future. Thanks for sharing this. Hugs!
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